How was your oxygen level over the last couple of weeks? Where you able to notice when you were needing more oxygen (aka appreciation)? If you were able to see any of your husband’s appreciation, were you able to be grateful for it? Did it give you a little bit of a boost? As we mentioned last time, we all need to be appreciated, however, women were programmed to need it so much more than men. It is very hard for most men to comprehend that they need to constantly show their appreciation of us for they were not given that program, and as such, we have to be very understanding and be open to guiding them in what they need to do instead of berating them for not doing it.
There are things I will never be able to understand about my husband because I am not him, and I am not a male. However, I try hard to understand as much as I can. And for the things that I don’t understand? I would like him to be accepting and patient with me when I don’t quite get it or I forget how different he really is from me. And so, I have to learn to reciprocate and remember that I will have to constantly be gently reminding him about who I am and how I tick.
With this in mind, we have two choices. We can either sit back and just wait for our husbands to supply us with our much needed oxygen (and get frustrated because he usually doesn’t,) or we can take a cue from the flight attendants on an airplane when they give the safety announcements before take-off; If there is a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will popped down. Take the mask in front of you and put on your own mask first before assisting other people. We need to proactively reach out to our husband and get our oxygen mask.
How do we do that? As always, the first thing to remember is that the tone of your voice makes all the difference!
Yes, it would be nice if our husband would shower us with the much needed appreciation that we need, but remember, he most likely did not come with that program, and we have to be understanding.
So how do we get the appreciation we need from our husband? First of all, we have to understand that we probably won’t get all the appreciation we need, however, the good news is that even a little of what we need goes a long way towards our overall health and happiness.
Firstly, we need the motivation. If you did the exercise from last time, you probably have a good idea of how your oxygen meter is. Most women find it is rather on the low side and they can feel the lack of motivation and excitement in their lives.
The next step is to learn a few tools to put into your marriage toolbox. Feel free to try all the tools, combine tools or create your own. Not all tools will work in every marriage. You have to know who you are, who your husband is and how you work together.
Appreciation Method#1 – The Prompt
The first method is to just simply tell your husband what you want to hear. For example, “The supper was pretty good tonight, wasn’t it?” or “Did you notice how I paid all the bills for the month already?” Show him the things you need him to appreciate, and hopefully he will take the hint and agree with you. (Just be careful and not ask him if he liked the chicken you made – you are opening him up to being really honest, and critiquing your cooking is not necessarily what we are after at this moment!)
This method works because our husband cannot always see everything we do (just like we do not see all the amazing things he does,) and so it is good to tell him! The Prompt method helps in two ways: First it can bring to your husband’s attention something he did not notice and secondly, it gives him the exact wording at the exact time that it is needed without him having to think too much and all he needs to do is agree. Many husbands appreciate that.
Appreciation Method #2 – Just Ask
If putting words in your husband’s mouth just does not work for either of you, you can try this one. Just tell your husband that you need some appreciation and just let him tell you how much he appreciates you in his own words. He might tell you he appreciates you making the food but forget to mention you were up all night the previous night looking after your sick child. The trick for this method is to learn to be able to accept what he does say.
Appreciation Method #3 – Gift Giving
If you are one who really resonates with gifts, this one can be good to try. Purchase several small, inexpensive gifts that you would like – soap, a kitchen gadget, photo frame, a book you would like to read, a small container of chocolates – whatever you would like. Put them in a box and give it to your husband. Then your husband can either give one of them to you when he feels he wants to show his appreciation to you, or you can let him you know you are in need of some appreciation and gently remind him that a gift from the box would be much appreciated about now.
If you use this method, you will quickly notice that the fact that you picked them all out yourself and gave them to your husband does not really diminish the feeling of appreciation you feel when he gives one to you. The fact that each gift does not cost very much has basically no bearing on how it makes you feel. You might also think that since you know what each gift is might lesson the effect, but the truth is, you don’t know which gift you will be getting. You have taken the hard part of what should he get you that you would like out of the equation, but he gets to choose which one of the little gifts to give to you.
Appreciation Method #4 – The List
You might have a crazy, stressful day and just need someone who cares to listen and tell you that you did great. This method might be a good one for you to try then. Tell your husband that you need some appreciation right now and all you need from him is to listen to you for 10 minutes and then say, “You did wonderful!” Would that be okay with him?
He might think that sounds weird, but if you are very pleasant and sweet about it, he will probably agree. Then, you proceed to list all the things that you accomplished that you need appreciation for (keeping it under the 10 minutes!)
Before you try any of these methods, you might find that it is best to talk to your husband beforehand to get him on board. And for some of these, you might have to do some reminding every time – just remember, he is not you and has very different programming.
There you have it. These are just a few methods you can try. Be creative and feel free to modify, combine and come up with new ideas to try to get the appreciation you need. And as always – talk in a very kind, gentle tone. Afterall, it is usually not what we way, but how we say it that makes all the difference.
It is very easy to get annoyed or upset at your husband for not showing appreciation on his own, even after you talk to him about it (many times.) Remember, you were both created to be opposite of each other, and it is with those opposites that you both will be able to accomplish so much and also have the ability to get closer to each other, closer than you can with any other person.
For the next few weeks, try some of the appreciation methods listed above, or create your own to try to get some of the much needed appreciation, much needed oxygen that you need.
💖Rivkah