Today we are going to start off a little differently and I want you to take a few minutes to just sit down and assess how things are going. If you have been listening for a while and have been doing the exercises, look back and see how much you have grown, and how your relationship has grown. While some women will see the changes easily, others will need look a bit deeper. However, if you have been working on the exercises for a while, there’s a good chance you will see some positive effects and find that you and your husband are a little bit closer now than you were before.
When you see it. Celebrate it. You are doing amazing! And even if you cannot see it yet, don’t get discouraged, keep at it – marriage is not easy. Remember, each person is unique, and therefore, each couple is unique and has different needs. Marriage is something very special in God’s eyes. As you put forth your effort, don’t forget to ask Him for help. He is there rooting for you and waiting for you to call out to Him. He wants you to win!
I am sure that you have all heard the saying, “A happy wife is a happy life!” Well, it’s true! Seeing you happy and seeing you smile is all that your husband needs to be happy. His happiness level is dependent on your happiness. When your husband is happy, that is when all the cherishing comes flowing your way. Yes, it’s that easy! Now, the question is, what makes you happy?
Well, if he would just do a few things to help you out, then you would be happy, of course. Okay, what are those few things? Ready? Here we go! *Take A Long, Deep Breathe* You want him to come home on time, and let you know if he will be a few minutes late, he should have a smile on his face when he walks in the door and take the children off your hands and help them with their homework (without you having to say anything,) so you can finish making supper, he should clean the table after supper (or wash the dishes,) take out the trash, help with the bedtime routine – bathtime, story time, changing the baby’s diaper – and when the children are in bed, he should sit down with you and listen to you, make more money, stop complaining about things you do, always put his clothes away, change the lightbulbs, stop comparing you to his mother, chew with his mouth closed, remember to pay the bills on time, always speak gently to you, be more on time for events, buy you gifts like he used to. *This Is Where You Take Another Long, Deep Breathe*
Feel free to add anything to the list that I forgot to mention. When you think you are done, let me ask you this question: Did you feel as dizzy as I did when I listed it out? Now, how would you feel if after you finished your day, someone handed you a list like that? But we all know that if all those things are done, we would be happy, right? I hate to burst your bubble, but no. And now imagine being the husband to this laundry list of items – and that is not including him going to work every day! Even if this poor husband was able to somehow accomplish everything on the list, and that by completing everything you would be happy, he would be so tired he would not be able to enjoy seeing you be happy! He will be run into the ground. And what else, as things on the list are done, you find even more things to add to his list, for you think, “Oh! Well, that did not make me happy, but this is what is going to make me happy!”
When you give your husband a laundry list of things to do, thinking that is what you need from him and therefore if he does it you will be happy and content, you will find that you are neither happy nor content. And as usual, don’t take my word for it, try it out. How can that be? How can our husband do so much for us, but we are still left with a feeling of emptiness inside?
The answer is that we are confusing our needs with wants. Wants are things that are nice to have, but are not required, while needs are things we cannot live without. When we don’t have our needs met, we feel empty, like something is missing and we start grabbing for anything to be a lifesaver for us. The little twig in the water is not going to save us, we need to have that life preserver. For example, that extra scoop of ice cream or piece of chocolate is a want, something we don’t need (well, maybe not the chocolate, one can argue it really is a need!) While toothpaste so I can clean my teeth and keep them healthy is a need. The problem is that most of us don’t ever sit down and assign the word “want” or “need” to anything we have on our list, and we just end up believing that everything is a need. And, since we have a long list of what we think are needs, too much for our husband to do, he has to then pick and choose what he does in hopes of stumbling upon the things that really does make us happy.
Instead of throwing out a whole list to our husband, we need to give him the top 2 or 3 of our needs to fill. That’s it. Just 2 or 3 needs. That is almost not even a list! And since we are all unique, your needs are going to be different than everyone else’s needs. When your top needs are met, you will find that you are satisfied, content, and yes, happy, and at the same time, you are not running our husband ragged so he has energy to enjoy your happiness (which is one of HIS top needs!) Two for the price of one. Can’t beat that.😊
Here is the recipe for finding your top needs:
- Find a time and place where you can give yourself one hour. (I know, this is probably the most difficult part of the recipe. It’s worth it!)
- Take several pieces of paper and a pen or pencil.
- Sit down and write absolutely everything you could ever want from your husband, even the most outrageous, ridiculous things such as appearing at your door wearing a suit of armor and riding on a white stallion to save you from the fierce dragons (aka the children.) Any dream or thought that you would like him to fill, with no regards as to if it is realistic or not. When you think you are done, keep on thinking, there is so much more to write! Many ladies will find they will fill up several pages with this.
- The next step is to cross out all the things that you don’t need. Ask yourself, “Can I live without this?” Be honest with yourself. If you answer yes, then cross it out and move on to the next line. If you answer no – you cannot live without it, skip it and move on.
- After you have gone through your entire list, you will probably be left with about 12-15 lines that you cannot live without. If you have many more than that, go through the remaining lines a second time and see if anything left is really a want. These are your needs.
Now, this is where the magic comes in. Take all your needs and write them down in a list on a new piece of paper. Take the first need on your list and weigh it against the second need on your list. Which one is most important? Take the most important need and weigh it against the next need on your list and decide which is most important. Continue until you have finished the list and the need that remains is your MOST IMPORTANT NEED. Label it #1. Now, go back to the top of your list and find the next first one on the list. Do the same thing as before and weigh it against the next need listed, working down the list. When you come to the end, this is need that you have is your second most important need. Label it #2. Repeat the process until you have put all your needs in order of importance.
Now, write your needs out on a clean sheet, in order of importance. Put a circle around your top 3. You now have the key to your happiness. All it takes is to get those top 3 needs met for you to feel happy, content, and fulfilled not only in your marriage, but in other areas of your life as well. What you will find that when just your most important needs are met, you no longer *need* those wants. Yes, they are always nice to have, but they will be bonuses for you. You might even find that some of those wants are not even anything that matter to you anymore.
This week, sit down for an hour with yourself and your paper and pen, and find your top 3 needs. If you cannot do it now, think of the time over the next week that will be the best and put a reminder on your phone’s calendar, an alarm on your phone clock or a delayed email to yourself reminding you. You might want to put a couple reminders – one the night before, one an hour before and one when you want to sit down. I know it seems daunting, but believe me, you want to do this exercise. You will thank me for it later! We are not going to work on any of those needs, this week we are just finding out what your needs are.
Love always,
💖 Rivkah