Your task from last time was to list three feelings or emotions that prevent you from receiving what your husband wants to give. I left it at that, and I did not expand upon it then, but we will talk about it here now.
What kinds of things do our husband give us? Sometimes they are actual, physical gifts, bringing home flowers, and sometimes it is taking us out on a date. However, most often the gifts are not tangible – just a smile or a compliment – “You look wonderful tonight, dear!” or, “the children are so lucky to have you as a mother!” The problem is that often times we push the gifts back and when we do that enough times, our husbands stop giving them to us. Why should he? He feels dejected.
Our husbands tell us that we look nice. How do we respond?
I am not pretty enough.
I am not worthy.
I am not skinny enough.
I am not smart enough.
I don’t deserve it (whatever “it” is.)
I am not a good enough mother.
I am not a good enough wife, and the list goes on. We are REALLY good at making these kinds of lists!
Several years ago, there was a meme that was going around internet in various versions. The one I liked and the one I used on my homeschooling blog was the one for homeschooling. On it there were various points of views and a picture describing each view. For example, there was – what others see, what I think others see, what I want to see, what I think I see, and then the reality. The first ones portray more of a superhero type of a picture – the idealistic picture. Then as you go down the list to what I see and then down to reality, it very quickly deteriorates into pictures of chaos – the dishes are not done, the house is a mess and that child over there is just not listening today. You get the idea.
What we then do, as women, is take a look at what we THINK things should be like, (which is usually totally out in left field, and not attainable,) and then compare it to what we think is reality. We have interpreted a situation based on our “ideal” and when it falls short (which it usually does!!) we are not good. We are not a good mother, not a good teacher, not a good parent, not a good wife, not a good co-worker…. In other words, we are just “not good.” For a homeschool parent, it is oh, the dishes are not done, and not only are they not in the sink, they are all over the counter (and the table,) the house is a mess and I can’t get that child there to do any work today. Instead of, did you know, that child got the hang of reading today, I had such quality time with this child, and thank God that child is home (instead of in school) for he is so out of sorts and just needs some time alone to come back to his real self. We gravitate to the negative.
“You look pretty today!”– “Ya but my hair did not work out the way I wanted….” My grade 8 Language Arts teacher told us on the first day of class that there is no such thing as a Ya but. And if she heard us say that we needed to draw her a picture of a Ya but. 😊(On a side note, she did have pictures from students from other classes that drew her pictures!)
If you have been one to reject your husband’s gifts on a regular basis, and therefore he has shut himself down, you can change that. Yes, it might take a little while, but if you have listened to this podcast for a while, you already know what to do. Find something to thank your husband for. Anything. This is something we have spent a lot of time on. Big. Small. Find something. Anything. And then afterwards, what are you going to do? You are going to find something else. You are creating a safe place for your husband. You want him to feel safe to say what he wants to say (and what you NEED him to say!) and know that his gifts will be accepted. Be on the lookout. Keep your eyes and ears open. He will start to open up, and when he does, all you are going to do is say Thank You and give him the biggest smile you can. Resist the urge to say something negative. When you are able to receive, he will be able to give. And when he gives, the more you will feel cherished. The more cherished you feel, the happier you will be, the more fulfilled you will be and the closer you will be to your husband. 😀
Before I end, I want you to know that yes, you ARE pretty enough, you ARE worthy enough, you ARE skinny enough, you ARE smart enough, you DO deserve it (whatever “it” is,) you ARE a good enough mother and you ARE a good enough wife. Now, that does not mean that there is no room for improvement. We are not perfect, we are not supposed to be, and so there will always be room for improvement. But right now, at this moment, you ARE good enough. Your husband married you because he found you beautiful, smart, and worthy. Hold on to that thought. Accept it. Tell him thank you for marrying you.
💖See you next time!