Were you brave enough to do the last homework? Did you sit down for an hour with yourself and your paper and pen and find your top 3 needs? If you have not, I highly recommend going back to the previous blog and go over understanding how to differentiate between your needs and your wants. This definitely was a challenging, yet extremely rewarding exercise. Chances are, you found (or will find) that many of the things you were harping about to your husband are not part of your needs! You were not asking for the things that really make you happy. Don’t worry, that is okay. Remember, we are all a work in progress.
Everyone’s needs are different. However, some examples of needs you might have could be that maybe you want your husband to sit down with you for a few minutes in the evening and have him ask you about your day. Or you might really need him to watch the children for a few minutes while you finish getting supper ready, or perhaps you need daily 1-minute dates from him. (Read Connecting with Baby Steps to find out more about 1-minute dates.) Or maybe you need him to let you know when he is going to be late coming home.
Whatever your needs are, when you get your top 3 needs taken care of, what are you going to find? Not only will you find yourself feeling much more happy, much more fulfilled and satisfied, but you will also find that since you no longer have a laundry list for your husband to do (that he will never be able to complete) to try to make you happy, he will have more energy to give to you more – not only your needs, but often times my students find that their husband also fills some of their wants as well (which are bonuses!) Don’t forget, one of his top needs is to see you happy. When he sees that you are smiling, that is what fuels him, that is what gives him energy.
Once you have the list of your top 3 needs, the next step is to work on getting those needs met.
Keep in mind, even though it is true, when you get your top needs filled, you will feel happier and more content, the path to getting this done is not a “one-size-fits-all” approach. Remember, we are all different and therefore each relationship is unique and what works for one couple may not work for another. Therefore, I will give you a few different techniques you can use. You might find one that works for you, or you might find that none will work for you. Perhaps you might combine different techniques, or you will be very creative and come up with something totally different. Or you might find that now is not a good time to work on this with your husband, and that is okay as well. You have your list and that is “Success – Part 1”. You can write your list down in your journal for safe keeping so you can reference back to it when the time is right.
Start off by choosing 1 of your top needs that you would like to work on getting filled. Just one. If you try to do more then you are likely to come across as demanding and he might just not listen to anything. The next step is to talk to your husband and get him on board with helping you.
Method 1: If you have a reasonable communication between the two of you, it might be possible to sit down with him and discuss the concept of wants versus needs and that you would like some help from him. This can get him on the same page as you and you can work together.
Before you sit down, start off by finding a quiet place and a time that you are both calm and fed (this one is very important!) and away from any distractions (children/phone/computer.)
When you start talking to him, make sure you are not accusing him of anything. When you talk to your husband always talk in the sweetest, kindest, most loving voice you can. Tell him you realize you may have asked a lot from him in the past, but that is only because you were not sure yourself what you really needed. Thank him for all the things he has done for you in the past. Tell him you have done some introspection and believe you have come up with what you believe you really need to be happy and would like his help in filling those needs instead of the whole list of things you had for him until now. Right now, you are just asking him for help in filling just 1 of your needs. Ask him to bear with you in case you need to make some changes until you get it right. Assure him that once you figure it out, his life will be so much easier! He will know exactly what you need, the list is not going to be long, and it will be something he will actually be able to accomplish.
Method 2: If your husband is not be ready, or able to, listen to your “demands” and want to help you, you can try this approach. Instead of sitting down with him, you might want to start off by lessening your wants and every few months or so you can try to gently talk to your husband about one need. The idea is that you are giving him a bit of a rest from the laundry list and when you do sit down with him, he has a little more energy and is more inclined to listen to you and help you out.
Method 3: It may be that your communication with your husband is just not ready at all. That is okay. If you still want to try to sneak in a much needed need, then start off by finding several wants that you can let go of, knowing that they do not fully satisfy you anyways, and after a month or so, you can just ask your husband for a need (always in the sweetest, kindest, loving voice you can,) and if he does it, thank him profusely for doing it and tell him how wonderful it made you feel. You can very kindly ask him for this need when needed, and ALWAYS thank him afterwards.
Method 4: It is just may not the right time at all. That is okay. Put your list away in a safe place and when the communication between you and your husband is a little better, you can take your list out and try then. You can still lessen your husband’s load by eliminating a few of your wants from your laundry list. Since you know that wants do not really make you satisfied, you can at least try to help your husband out a little bit.
Now, what happens if your husband fills one of your needs, but afterwards you still feel unfulfilled? It just means that what you thought was a need, is not one of your needs, it is a want. Just cross it off and pick the next need on your list to fill its place. If you find several items on your needs list are just not fulfilling, it may be time to go through the exercise a second time and see if you can try to come up with new needs. Sometimes life is about trial and error.
This week, if you have not found your top 3 needs, go back to the last episode and go over how to find your top needs and then choose one of the first 3 methods above to try to get just 1 of your top needs met. This is a challenging exercise, I know, but my students all tell me that they feel so much better once they get a real need filled. It is definitely worth it! And don’t forget to enlist the help of God for He wants to help and is just waiting for you to ask Him for it!
💖Rivkah