For the last homework, you were supposed to do something for your husband every day and as you were doing it, tell yourself you are doing it for your husband because you love him, even if you were not feeling the love at that moment. He did not have to know you did anything, for this was not for him to hear or see. This was for you. Don’t forget to make note of any changes that came about, whether in yourself or otherwise.
When I decided to start working on my marriage every day, I found out something interesting about myself. If, for whatever reason, I did not work on my marriage, for example life happened, I was not in a good mood, etc., after the second, and especially after the third day, I started noticing a difference in me. I would start to become more snappy, more impatient with my husband, and when I realized that I realized it was because I was letting my marriage slip. And this was only after 2 days! I found that all I needed to do was to tell myself I loved my husband and find a few small things to do for him out of love to get myself back on track.
When you do something for your husband every day, you are working on your marriage. You are not only making it your priority, but you also become more in tune with your connection with him, and when Life does happen and pulls you away from your priority, the slippage is felt so much more. The sooner you can see the slipping, the easier and quicker you can get back on track. When left unchecked, Life will keep pulling us away, making it increasingly harder to get our connection with our husband back. Yes, of course we can get it back, it will just take more effort and more time the longer we wait.
Let us take things one step further and talk about putting your husband first. And I will add – All the time. That means that when your husband walks in the door after work (or if he works from home, comes out of his office when he is finished,) you need to make him your top priority by going and greeting him. And now is the time that many (most?) of you are getting your tomatoes ready to throw at me. You are saying, “What?!?!?! You can’t do that! Sometimes, yes of course, but all the time? Can’t be done! I am not a servant nor a robot! And besides, it’s not even practical.”
Yes, Life happens, something is always vying for your attention. Life is stressful. Perhaps it is work – maybe you or your husband need to work long, difficult hours. If you have children, especially if they are younger, they need constant attention. You cannot just walk away from a child that is getting a bath.
Before you throw those tomatoes, just hear me out. Let me start off by asking you the following question: If you had to choose on any given moment, who’s more important to focus on – your children or your husband? I wouldn’t doubt that the majority of you will probably lean towards your children. Afterall, you need to be there to teach them and help them do things they can’t do. How else will they learn? Your husband can take care of himself, but you don’t dare leave your 2-year-old in the bath by himself, and I am not asking you to. That would be so dangerous! But a wife who has made her husband her top priority would call to her husband that she is bathing the 2-year-old and will be there to say hi when she is finished. Of course, the husband wants the children to be safe, that is not the question. But by acknowledging her husband, she is making him feel important and wanted even when she cannot be there at that moment.
There’s another way you can show your husband that he means something to you. When you sit down for dinner, put a smile on your face and serve him first. Before you. Before the children. Even if the children claim they are “starving” and they are acting up at the table, Daddy gets his supper first. Children will surprise you. They will get it and very quickly they will stop and be able to wait until Daddy is served., even the young ones. You will be teaching them a very valuable lesson. And don’t worry, you are not being a servant. You are being an amazing wife that is showing her husband that he means the world to her. When you do, you are building up his ego and his self-esteem (both in a good way!), which enables him to grow and blossom in the best way possible. We all know that children need good self-esteem, don’t forget that the rest of us do as well!
Really, it is all about our mindset. You can put down your husband’s plate first and feel that you are a servant. Why can’t YOU get a plate first, why does it have to be him? OR… you can look at your husband and even if you are not feeling it, just think “What an amazing person. Of all the girls, he chose me to be his wife! He thought me to be the best. Wow. That’s really amazing that someone thought I was the best!” After telling yourself that, the act of giving your husband his supper first then becomes a little token of your appreciation and thanks to him. It is just one tiny little way to say thank you. It is sometimes hard to see, but our husbands really do a lot for us. They really do. We just have to learn how to see it.
Okay, at this point, you might start to think you go it, that it is doable and you will be able to start implementing those things now. You can go and greet your husband when it is safe to do so, and you can even put a small shift in your dinner serving routine. Now, I am going to challenge you and take what we just learned one step further.
I am going to paint another scenario: Your child is in the school concert. As you are leaving to go to the concert, your husband calls you and tells you it is urgent, he left something very important at home and needs you to bring it right away. The problem is that you cannot do both. You can either deliver the important item to your husband, but if you do, you will miss at most, if not all, of the concert. Or you can go to the concert and listen to your child, but your husband will be without the important item. Which do you choose?
Whenever possible, we need to prioritize our husband and put him first, but it is not always a simple task. In this case, you have to ask yourself many questions and then analyse it. Is the item your husband needs something that only you can bring? How often does your husband call you up for urgent requests? Does he seem to call “wolf” often, or is this a rare occurrence? Is this the first time your child is in a school concert and if not, how often have you been able to attend in the past? Does your child have a special part in the concert, like a solo section or a solo piece? And how will it really affect your child if you do not show?
What is the answer? Do drop everything for your husband all the time just because he asked? No, you don’t. As we learned, it’s not always practical, and you are not his servant. A servant is supposed to drop everything every time his master beckons him. You, on the other hand, are his wife. His soulmate. His partner in crime. Which means, you are supposed to work together. Working together is the way a husband and wife become one with each other. Making your husband the top of your list means that you need to assess the situation. Look at all the facts. And then, talk to him. Bring him into the conversation. This is why there are two of you in a marriage! Tell him you want to do what he asks, but there is an issue. Tell him the conflict (in a nice and gentle way!) along with your concerns or issues. And then ask for his advice. You might be surprised at what he tells you. He might find a solution so both things can be done even when you did not think it could be done, or perhaps at that moment he realizes the entire picture going on and tell you that you should go to the concert for that is more important. Or he might say that yes, he realizes the issue, but his request is the most important thing at that moment, and he really needs you to do it. When you talk it through with him, whatever you both decide needs to be done will be a bit easier on you to follow, and he will feel that you do care for him and that he is important to you.
Your husband should be your first consideration, and even if you end up choosing the other choice, you will have your husband at the top of your mind while deciding what is the best thing to do at that moment. Sometimes you will be able to choose to do for your husband, and other times you will decide differently. The point is that your husband is always at the top of your list, and you are always looking for those times that you can do what he needs or wants first.
Your husband needs to feel your love. One way to show him that you care and love him is to just make him feel like a human being. After all, that is something you want (and need) as well. Make him part of your life (that’s why you married him!) When you involve him in your life, it means to also include him in the decision-making process. Most husbands don’t need the rest of the world to make them feel they are important. All they really need is for the most important person in their life (aka You,) to feel they are important, and when that person (aka You,) shows them they are important, they get a top need filled and are much more content in their life. Why do some men look elsewhere? It’s because they are not getting their top needs filled at home. Fill that top need that your husband has, and he will be very content, happy and have energy to fill your top needs, and to cherish you. It’s a win-win situation!
Why do you want to keep your husband at the top of your mind all the time? Because when you find those moments where you can do what he needs and wants, it’s one way you can say thank you to him and show your appreciation. And when you do, you are bringing the both of you closer to each other.
The homework this week is to find those times where you can put your husband first. If you have errands you need to do, try to make it so you do his errands first. When you are making coffee for the both of you, pour the coffee into his cup first. While putting him first, keep in mind the ultimate goal – Becoming One with each other. It will not always be easy, but it becomes a little bit easier as you work on it. If you are finding you are in a tough situation, don’t forget to look up and ask for help. G-d loves you and is always waiting for you to talk to Him!
Love, Rivkah 💖