How did the homework go from last time? I had asked you to write down 3 of your anger triggers and just pay attention to them when they came up. You did not have to do anything about it, just notice. The first step to change is to just start paying attention to what is going on.
We have such busy lives that most of the time we are in a reactionary mode. Someone says something that strikes the wrong chord in me, and I snap back. I don’t even think. I just do. I will never be able to change anything this way.
Change can start when I take the time to sit down with myself and do some introspection. Most people don’t realize that they are so out of tune with just themselves. We can start by observing as situations unfold. “Oh, that’s interesting. When that person says/does X, I feel/say/do Y.” We don’t have to get upset with ourselves or the situation, we are just stepping back and noticing our feelings and reactions and saying, “That’s interesting.” Two words. As time goes on, we will probably start to see patterns that will guide us to solutions and better ways to handle certain situations.
Up until now, we have talked a lot about learning how to connect with our partner in crime, how to make our life together easier, happier, getting cherished and making the communication between the us better. We have also worked on learning ourselves more, with both self-care and having a better understanding of our own personal top needs. If you have taken the time to do the homework, you most likely have seen some positive effects from your efforts, and you both are probably feeling a little bit closer to each other.
Now that we have worked on connecting more with ourselves and our husband, we are going to take a step back and talk about something that might seem very obvious, but in fact, is not necessarily so. It is something that is quite misunderstood but something that we all believe we understand. Love.
G-d gives us many gifts, many presents. One of them is that amazing feeling you had when you first starting dating. You liked talking to each other. You thought about each other all the time, and you had a perpetual smile on your face. You felt as if you were floating on the clouds. It definitely was a wonderful feeling. What was that feeling? Was that love? It sure seemed like it was.
G-d tells us, “If you see your enemy’s donkey lying under its burden would you refrain from helping him? You shall surely help along with him.” (Exodus 23:5) What does this mean? Why should I help my enemy? What happens when I help him? My enemy is someone I don’t like and is the last person I want to help. We are being told that we need to purposely go out of our way to help our enemy, for when I do, I put a little bit of me inside of them. When I do that, I can start to feel a change. Perhaps the person is not so bad after all. Whatever happened, we are both humans. We both make mistakes. Not only can I feel a change, but it is also likely that the other person will feel it at some point. My enemy may never become my best friend – they don’t have to, – but it is possible for us to at least tolerate each other a little bit more, and maybe even like each other. Whatever the issue was has a possibility of being resolved. Whatever happened in the past, when we show compassion towards another person, we can bring about a change, in both of us.
Love is when you give of yourself enough that you turn from just liking someone to something deeper. Love is something that grows as you continue to give of yourself to someone else. When you give of yourself, when you truly wish to understand the needs of someone else, when you accept them for who they are, when you trust and support them, that’s love. It starts off small, and over time it grows and blossoms and becomes something very deep and powerful. It is something that is never “done” with and with constant work and effort, it will continue to grow for the rest of your lives.
So, if the excitement, desire and passion you felt for each other when you first met was not love, what was it? It was a gift from G-d. He loves you both tremendously and wanted you to know how amazing your love could become – if you work on it. He gave you this gift for a short period of time so you could find each other, and sometime after you were married, He slowly took it away and so that you would work together on your marriage, on your love, and when you do, true love will start to grow and it will be even more amazing.
Marriage is like a bank account. When you got married you automatically opened your Marriage Bank Account and just like any other bank account, it started off empty. You need to put into it. If you take out more than you put in, your account will be empty. Sometimes you will make big deposits and sometimes you will make small deposits. Every deposit counts. Every deposit is important. After a while, the little deposits all add up and become big. Once you have deposits into your Marriage Bank Account, you will be able to take out all those things you desire and need – companionship, intimacy, friendship, etc.
Marriage is something you need to work on Every.Single.Day. Do something for your husband EVERY day. It does not have to be anything big (usually it won’t be!) and it does not have to cost any money (usually it won’t!). It can be as simple as fluffing his pillow or bringing him a glass of water. You can even do something you do anyways such as making him his morning coffee or tea. Whatever you do just have in mind that you are doing this for your husband because you love him. Even if you don’t feel that you love him at the moment, say it. Words are powerful. At some point you will feel it. Every time you do something for him, not only are you putting into your Marriage Bank Account, you are becoming closer to each other.
I know I don’t have to tell you what your homework is this time, but I will anyways, just in case you accidentally fell asleep somewhere. 🙂 Do something for your husband every day and as you are doing it, tell yourself you are doing it for your husband because you love him. He does not have to know. This is not for him to hear or see. This is for you. And again, even if you are not feeling any love at the moment for him, tell yourself it is because you love him. You just might be surprised at what happens. And if you feel some discourse between the two of you rising? You now know what to do. Step back, watch and say “That’s interesting.” And afterwards? Find a time to do something for your husband because you love him.
See you next time!
💖Rivkah