I hope you were able to take some time for yourself to recharge. I also hope that you were able to take more than one break for yourself! Don’t stop after recharging once. Remember, our phones are used again after we charge it so just like it needs to be constantly recharged, so do you!
In this episode, I want to relate a story from one of my ladies. We will call her Rose. Rose was having a special family dinner one night with just her family. She made a nice supper and before everyone came home to eat, she went to get changed to put something a little nicer on. She was looking at the clothes in her closet when she noticed a dress that she purchased a while back but never wore and she decided to put it on. She was very excited to have found it hiding in her closet.
She did not mention it to her husband but was hoping that he would notice the new outfit (and obviously waiting for him to comment on how nice it was.) Supper came and everyone sat down to eat. Rose waited and waited, but her husband said nothing! She was feeling more than down about it. Here she was, with a new outfit that she felt looked really good on her and her husband did not even notice! She was starting to fume inside about it. Then, about halfway through supper, her husband finally looked at her and asked if she was wearing a new dress. By this time, she was fuming quite a bit on the inside, and instead of saying, “Yes, isn’t it nice?” what came out was a frustrated “No…” and she went back to eating.
When Rose told me this story, she added that her response was probably not the right response and that it most likely has stopped him from saying anything about her clothes in the future – new or not – which she was more than sad about for she really wanted him to notice! And not just clothes, she admitted that her husband would probably refrain from saying any positive comments like that about anything. She was pretty sure that she ruined everything.
I assured Rose that yes, although her response did not help, she did not permanently ruin things and that the first step to mending things was her acknowledgment of what she did. Once you know where you went wrong, you are then able to fix things, even after the fact!
As Rose and I were talking, she came up with the solution herself (Yay! I’m so proud of her!) She decided that she should apologize to her husband for how she responded and to thank him for noticing, but was wondering if it would it actually help? Would he feel safe giving her a compliment in the future? Can we really apologize and after the fact respond with what we really should have said, and have it help mend things? You will be so glad to hear that the answer is YES! Afterall, there is nothing that tells us we can’t try again. We are all human, and we all know that we all make mistakes sometimes. When we say something not nice, we create a huge gap in our marriage. We push our husband away, although all we really want is to be closer to him.
What we need to do is to swallow our pride and humble ourselves, and then in a kind, caring tone, use the phrase, “Let me try that again.” And the nice thing about this tool is that it works at the moment, and even much later, after the fact. Rose was able to talk to her husband several days later and respond again, this time telling him that she did not mean to sound so angry and thank him for noticing the new outfit and that it really meant a lot to her.
Now, the real question is, why did Rose get upset when her husband did not notice, and then get snappy at him when he finally did realize? What was the root cause, for she noticed right away that her response was not the proper one, but she was not sure why she was fuming so much?
The answer is very simple. She was needing to be appreciated.
You see, there is one thing that is built into us women, and that is the deep need to be appreciated. However, this deep need is like a bottomless pit and is not something that can usually get filled! What happens is we do not know how to get our appreciation pit filled and we become so dehydrated as if our mouths are parched from lack of water. Just like we survive on water, we survive on appreciation. The only problem is that our husbands do not know how to give it to us, and don’t realize how much we really need. And on top of that, they don’t realize that as soon as we get that water, it is gone, we’ve sucked it up, and we need more!
For Rose, having her husband notice new clothing is something that gives her oxygen. It makes her feel appreciated, it makes her feel special and loved.
I heard a joke recently about a boy talking with his grandfather. He asked his grandfather the secret to a long marriage. The grandfather said he told grandmother when they got married that he loves her and if that changes, he will let her know. He still loves her, sixty years later.
Yes, we all need attention, love and appreciation, but women were programmed to need the attention, the cherishing, the appreciation in such huge amounts. Our need is so much more than our husbands can understand. He already told you that he loves you last week, and the week before, and the week before, and the week before that. And he already told you that you look pretty – just two days ago. You have not changed in two days, so you still look pretty. (Oh, and by the way, if you wear a smile on your face (even if it is not always genuine,) he will always think you are pretty!) Why does he have to keep telling things to you over and over and over again? It’s because all the little appreciation and cherishing is your oxygen, it’s what keeps you alive. When a woman feels appreciated, even a little bit, she has so much energy. She can do the cooking and cleaning and laundry, but when she does not feel appreciated, she can’t move.
Don’t take my word on this – look at your own life. When your husband tells you how pretty you look or how much he appreciates the things that you do for him, for the children and around the house, doesn’t it make you smile? Doesn’t it give you a boost to keep going for the next little bit? And when everything feels like a drag, maybe you should check to see if you need any oxygen, chances are that you do and that is why you can’t move.
For the next few weeks, be cognizant about your oxygen. Do you get any? How do you feel after your husband shows you some appreciation? When things are more sluggish, note your appreciation level. And keep in mind that your husband might show you appreciation in various ways – words, hugs, gifts, date nights, etc. Appreciation comes in many forms. Next time we will go over various ways of helping our husbands give us the appreciation that we need to be able to breathe.
Love, Rivkah 💖