Last time we talked about the three components to self-care: eating the right foods, exercise, and time to recharge. By taking care of you, you will be able to continue to take care of others like you need to. The homework was to understand that you are just as important as everybody else and you need to make sure you take time for yourself. You were to do at least one thing of self-care and I really hope that you were able to fit in several sessions of self-care and that you found how refreshing and rewarding it is to give yourself a little TLC. Make sure you write about it in your journal!
Now that you are a bit more energized and happier since you have filled a basic need that you have, you have the energy to work on the next thing. Gratitude. We touched very briefly on it last time, but we will go into more detail now.
It is easy to see the flaws in others. My child did not put his breakfast dishes away before going to school, or My husband left his socks on the floor (again!) instead of putting them in the hamper (which is right there, seriously, how hard could it be?!?!) and the trash was not taken out and the garbage trucks already came, and how could he forget our anniversary – I even gave him several hints!
Finding the mistakes or flaws in others is something that we are programmed to do very easily. However, we were not put into this world to necessarily do the easy things. We were created not perfect on purpose. Like a parent who enjoys giving presents to their children, God wants to give presents to us. And just like a parent who knows that to constantly give out presents freely is not always a good thing and knows that the child will appreciate the gift more if they earn it, God does the same for us. He created us imperfect so that we can work on ourselves to become more perfect. When we take who we are and we work on being a better person, He can shower us with blessings; in this world and in the next.
We all make mistakes for we are all human. What happens when I take the easy way out and let my natural instincts take over? What’s so wrong when I see other people’s faults? After all, how can they fix themselves and make themselves better if they don’t know what is wrong?
Let me ask you a question: What happens when today I notice that when my husband came home from work, he threw his stuff on the chair in the living room, and tomorrow I notice that when he comes home from work he throws his stuff on the chair in the living room and the next day I notice he throws his stuff on the chair in the living room? Easy, on the fourth day I will notice he throws his stuff on the chair in the living room when he comes home from work. What have I just done? I created in myself a habit – a habit of looking to see him throw his stuff on the chair in the living room. Obviously, I don’t like it when he just throws his stuff on the chair in the living room. I want him to put his stuff away when he gets home to keep my house clean, but instead I am noticing something not nice about my husband and most likely it is going to get to me very quickly and frustrate me a lot. Chances are I will feel the need to get after him every time he walks in the door and even thinks about just dumping his stuff. And how many times do I have to tell him NOT to dump his things when he walks in before he will “get it?” (And really, does harassing him every day ever work? He might comply, but is it because he really wants to?)
Let me ask you another question: Is noticing his habit of not putting his stuff away when he walks in the door going to bring me closer to my husband or push him further away from me? I did not ask if it was correct of him to seem to be so thoughtless and inconsiderate to dump his things without having any thoughts of my trying to keep a clean home. I asked if noticing his habit all the time was going to bring me closer to him or push him further away from me.
When I do the same thing over and over again, I am creating within myself a habit. In this case, it is the habit of seeing the negative in my husband, and in doing so, I push my husband away from me. This is the last thing I want to do.
I know that I make mistakes, and I have my quirks, but what do I want my husband to focus on? I do a lot of good things. I wake up early and help him get ready for work, I make his meals, I feed the children, I get the laundry done. Yes, I know, I can get lazy sometimes and I don’t feel like getting the computer work done, but I am just human. I have my ups and my downs, but I hope that overall, I am doing pretty good. Wouldn’t I want my husband to notice all the good things I do and overlook most of the things that I need to work on?
Now, instead of looking at all my husband’s mistakes, what if I choose to look the amazing things that he does? He goes to work every day, even though it is hard for him. He took his dishes off the table, and I did not ask him to. He thanked me for doing his laundry, and he helped with the children. If I overlook his shortcomings, and focus on the things that he does good, can you imagine what that does for me? If I am busy looking for the good, I will be overlooking the things that can bother me. Does it mean he stops doing those bothersome things? Perhaps some of them, though not necessarily. But I will likely find that a lot of those bothersome things don’t bother me as much anymore.
How will my husband feel? If I am not henpecking him, he has a chance of feeling like he is worth something. If I don’t criticize each wrong move he makes, he can feel like he does some good. He does not have to look over his shoulder all the time wondering what I am going to yell at him for this time. I can let him breathe.
Now, let us take it a step further. What if I not only searched out all the good things he did, but I thanked him for doing them as well? What if I thanked him for everything I could come up with – and yes, even thanked him for things that he did in the past, that I thanked him for already? Firstly, not only will he have some relief from me not prodding him on a regular basis, but he will feel that I appreciate him. When husbands feel appreciated, guess what? Not only will they then have the energy, but they will WANT to continue to do things for us, to adore us and, yes, to cherish us.
You now ask, “Do I need to ignore ALL those annoying things?” Even after focusing on all the amazing things your husband does, there might be something that still really bothers you. If you have built up your husband and told him he is amazing by showing gratitude for all the things he does, you will then be able to sit down with him and talk to him (in your most sweetest, kindest, loving voice!) about those one or two things that really bother you and at that point he will be able to take it to heart.
We know that God loves us, and we are told that He wants to give us many blessings. How do we bring those blessings into our home? In episode 3 I mentioned the idea of talking about male character traits and female character traits, opposed to just talking about male and female. The reason being is that we all possess a combination of male and female traits, with our husbands having predominantly male traits while we have predominantly female traits. The unlimited combinations of all these character traits are what makes each one of us unique. Male traits are ones that give, and female traits are ones that receive (to make into something new and then give back out.) Just as with the creation of a child; the husband gives, and the wife receives and turns it into something special.
All blessings in the home come like this: God gives to your husband, and your husband gives to you. Everything you that have comes from this line. How can you bring more blessings down? Remember that your husband is the giver, and you are the receiver. God gives to your husband, and you receive what your husband has to give. But, in order for him to give to you, you have to have a vessel to put it in. Just like if I wanted to pour some water to drink, I need to have a cup to pour it in to. The bigger the cup, the more water that will fit in it. The bigger the vessel you can be, the more your husband can put in, and then the more he has to turn his head upwards and ask the Almighty for more.
And the secret to making your vessel bigger and bigger? Gratitude. Thank your husband for everything. And as usual, I don’t want you to take my word for it, try it out for yourself! Be so busy trying to find things to thank him for that you don’t see all the things that bother you and when you are grateful, watch your husband flourish. Watch him perk up and grow and watch him want to do things for you and give to you. Watch him cherish you. (A little side note, many women notice that when they start showing their appreciation to their husbands, the floodgates open up and it can almost overwhelm them at the beginning! That should be your problem!)
By now, I am sure you know what the homework is. Thank your husband 10x more than you are thanking him now. Thank your husband for absolutely everything you can think of – big and small. You can even thank him for things that happened in the past that you have not thanked him for yet, and even things that you have thanked him for already. And then, sit back and watch. 🙂
See you next time. 💖