Hopefully you were able to work on the last homework which was to look for the things that your husband does or says that you can be grateful for. Big or small, or even very tiny. Working on this will help tremendously with what we will be learning today.
If I told you to go back in history, even just a few hundred years, and tell me what image your mind conjures up when I ask you about the role of the average woman, what comes up? Most people will have images of a housewife, her day filled with cooking, and taking care of the house and the children. The husband was the one that went to work. And if, G-d forbid, the wife was widowed, unless there was money to begin with, she was usually poor and had a very hard time making ends meet. She did not have much of an education and there were very few jobs available to her and the ones that were, normally did not pay very much.
For much of history, women did not have the same rights as men. The first university is said to have started about 1200 years ago in 859 CE in Morocco and not long after, other countries started opening various schools of higher-level learning. It was not for another 1000 years, in 1867, about 150 years ago, that women were first allowed to attend.
With regards to voting, it was only about 100 years ago, in 1920, that the United States passed the 19th Amendment that technically allowed all women the right to vote, however, it was only after the Voting Rights Act in 1965 before women of colour were, in reality, allowed to vote.
While the modern feminist ideas are wonderful and should be applauded and encouraged, we need to keep remembering that we are not equal. We are different, as we have discussed in the past. (We won’t go into detail here, but if you want more in depth information, you can go back to episode 3.) We mentioned that there are male character traits and female character traits, and we all have some unique combination of both sets with males having predominantly male traits and females having predominantly female traits. That means that in general, women’s paths will be concentrated in certain areas and most men’s paths will be concentrated in other areas. That also means that, yes, there will be some women who prefer a stereotypical male profession and there will be some men who prefer a more stereotypical female profession.
So where am I going with this? I want you to realize that at the core, we are all human beings, all people and as such, we all have underlying needs and desires that are the same (we all need food, clothing, shelter, love, and we can add the right to vote and to be able to go and work etc.) However, we are not equal. We are different. To be equal would mean that we would be the same. G-d does not make duplicates! He does not create things or people that have the exact same mission. If we were equal, there would not be a need to have both a husband and a wife! We are not equal, BUT what we should have is equal opportunity – equal opportunity to vote, to work and choose the career of our choice, and equal pay for equal service. Just like my brother is allowed to choose what he wants to do for his career, I should also be able to choose what I want to do.
We must be careful though and not get too carried away. Just because I am now given the same opportunity to go out and work, does not mean that ALL women want, or should go out to work. We need to remember the innate nature of what it means to be a woman. G-d created women to nurture – to need connection – which is why it is usually the women who are better at the things related to the home and the nurturing of the children.
Our husbands, on the other hand, were created with the need to feel like they are in control of situations. They need to feel like they have a handle on things, that they are the driver, not the passenger. This is how they were created. (Please do not confuse this with overly controlling and abusive relationships. That is something totally different and is not good. If you have issues or are concerned, please seek professional advice.)
In any situation, there can only be one person who is really in charge. Can you imagine if a country had 2 rulers that had the exact same power? Either nothing would get done for they would fight all the time, or one person would end up taking the lead and the other person would be the second in command. It is how people work.
The captain is the one that runs a ship. He is the top person. But do you want to know something else? He cannot run the ship by himself. The captain needs a helper. Who is the one person the captain needs and cannot live without? No, it is not the cook – you can stock up on canned food and do not need to have a cook for the food does not need to be appetizing (though that sure helps!) Who does the captain need? The Navigator. The captain cannot run, guide, and steer the ship by himself. He needs the Navigator to be eyes and ears tell him where the land masses are, when there are icebergs ahead, etc. After being armed with all that information from the navigator, the captain is then able to guide the ship in the direction it needs to go. One is not more important the other. The captain cannot guide the ship without the Navigator, and the Navigator cannot steer the ship without the captain. Both are equally needed; both are equally important, but they have very different roles.
We talk about our husband being our king. The king is the top ruler. We are the queen, but our husband is the king of our house. Does that mean that we must always do as our husband says and that we have no opinions or thoughts of our own? Are we supposed to be regulated as servants, or worse yet, doormats to be walked all over?
Absolutely not! We are told we were created as our husband’s helpmate. We are to support him when he is doing good and be there to guide him when we see he is straying.
Does that mean if my husband just can’t do things right, isn’t it my job to correct him? No matter how much I show him, he can’t change a diaper properly, and when he packs the groceries at the store, he puts the egg carton underneath all the heavy items!
We have different roles, but that does not mean that a) one is better than the other, and b) that you have to stay home and raise the children. Nor am I saying that you should go out to work. Our husband is the captain of our ship, and we are the navigator. This means that we must stop taking the control away from our husband and give him the control of our ship. It’s not always an easy thing to do. Society has taught us to be tough, to be independent in all aspects of our lives for that is how to be a strong woman. Right? Yes, we all need a certain amount of control for we need to be able to control ourselves – our anger and our actions, however, we need to let our husband be in control of our ship.
How often do we get annoyed with our husband when he is helping us by folding the towels, washing the dishes or cleaning the table and it’s not done “my way,” so we berate him for not doing it “right” (aka – “my way”)? My husband just can’t do things right. No matter how much I show him, he can’t change a diaper properly, and when he packs the groceries at the store, he puts the egg carton on the bottom of the bag with all the heavy stuff on top, so the eggs always break! How about when he is driving – are we backseat drivers telling him what to do and what he did wrong on the road, or do we bite our tongue (and bite quite hard sometimes!) and just let him drive?
Well, let’s take a look and see what happens when we do bite our tongue? Other than perhaps shedding a little blood sometimes, what is the outcome?
There have been several times where one of my boys comes and asks me for something – something that costs money. I know enough about our finances to generally be able to answer yes or no. However, sometimes (often? HA!) they can be quite persistent and honestly, just to get them off my back, I send them to their father. I figure, he’s the one that is in charge, so let him deal with persistent boys! It’s not that I want to say no to them, it’s just that I don’t think the money is there for what they want.
And do you know what happens when I do that, when I give control to my husband? Sometimes the answer is no, and when that happens, the boys are sad, but they accept it. And sometimes he surprises not only the boys, but me as well, and he says yes. Whatever the answer is, my husband feels important. I know that for I see it. I see what happens when he feels out of control – when the control has been taken away, and I see him when I give the control to him. He not only is more secure in himself, but he is also happier. And when he is happy, he is more optimistic, he has more energy which helps him get more things accomplished and overall is so much better. And you are probably asking – what about me? How do I feel when I relinquish control to my husband and make him my king? Honestly, I feel relieved. I make many decisions by myself that it feels really good to sometimes be able to leave the decision making to someone else. That is one less thing I have to figure out. It just feels good.
I was recently sent a meme that had a husband and wife in it. The husband said, “For the last 28 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.” The wife responded, “29 years….” How would you feel if all someone did was correct everything you ever said or did? Would you feel important? Would you feel like a success, or would you feel like nothing you ever do is good enough? Would you perform to the best of your ability if you were treated this way?
So yes, be the amazing woman you are. Go out and vote, choose your career path whatever that may happen to be – you deserve it. But while you are being that amazing woman, don’t forget one of the most amazing, important things you can do: Give control to your husband. Remember, we were created to be his helpmate. We are to help him, to bring him up not pull him down. Let him be your king. When you do, you will be uplifting him and helping him be the strong person you need him to be.
I personally would rather let go of some of those smaller things that might bother me in order to have a husband who is strong, someone who I can look up to, someone who will cherish me.
This week, I want you to work on letting go. Find one or two small things that you are willing to let him do it his way no matter what you think of the job he does. If you need to bite your tongue, bite your tongue. If it is hard to watch, look away or go into another room.
Wishing you success,
💖Rivkah