Last time I asked you to watch the next time things were not going so smoothly between you and your husband and asked you to try reframing your mind. Was there a way that you were able to see things from his point of view? What would make him react the way he did? Was he misunderstanding what you said? Was he stressed from work? Perhaps it was around mealtime or bedtime so he might have been hungry or tired? Or perhaps you were the one that was hungry or tired, or misunderstood him?
I know, it is hard in the moment, and you might think you failed at this, or any other tool I give you to try. However, I want you to know that even baby steps are successes. It all starts somewhere. Where you able to look back AFTER the fact and say, “Oh, I should have thought to reframe my mind?” And even if it is just after the fact, if now you can look back and try to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, or to try to see his point of view, then you had success. As with most new things, it can take a while to make it an automatic response. Keep at it! Remember, marriage is a work in progress and working on yourself is a work in progress as well. G-d made us the way we are on purpose so that we can work on growing and becoming a better person, and when we have even small successes, we bring Him much happiness.
Let’s back up a little bit and ask the following question: Why is it that we get angry in the first place? Anger is really our ego. Something did not go my way, so I get angry. I have a plan in my head how things should go and it does not work out that way. It is then that I get frustrated and angry.
You had a stressful day at work, the dry cleaners lost your clothes, and someone cut you off in traffic. Is it any wonder that you snapped at the first person you saw when you entered your home? Don’t you have a right to feel angry after all that has happened over the course of the day!
How do you feel when someone else has a bad day and starts snapping at you? Do you feel closer to that person, or further away? Do you want to help them out or do you comply under duress? Or perhaps you are a mirror and start snapping back at them?
Anger affects all aspects of our lives. When we get angry, we push everyone else away. It is a very destructive force we need to stay far away from.
Try to step back and see the whole picture. We all have bad days. That cashier’s child might be very sick, and that crazy driver might not have had a good family life. No, it does not excuse the behaviour. However, just like we want people to understand us when we are having an off day, if we can give other people a little bit of slack, and maybe give that cashier a much needed smile, you never know what kind of ripple effect it may have. The bonus is that you will probably also find that you walk out of the store in a happier mood and won’t yell at the next person you see.
There was a short time where we would all sit down together for breakfast on Sunday mornings. (Yeah, the good ‘ole days!) For a short period, every time we sat down for breakfast on Sunday mornings, both my husband and I were in a grumpy mood and for some reason we just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Nothing seemed “wrong,” but we just felt wrong. I decided to put on a fake smile and just sit and stare at my husband. I knew that at some point he would look up at me and see me smiling (my fake smile that he did not know was fake,) and that would make him happy and he would smile back at me. At that point my fake smile turned into a real smile. We are mirrors. I knew that my husband would look up and become my mirror and smile, and then I would mirror that smile back to him. This got us both out of our grumpy moods each and every time. 😀
If you find you get angry easily and frequently, you might need to access other resources for help.
There are many self-help books out there to read, or you might need to go to therapy to help you manage your anger better. It is definitely worth the effort put in.
Here are just a few Anger Tool tips. Obviously, there are so many more tips, but here are just a few to start with. Choose a few that seem to resonate with you and try them out. You might have to use trial and error to find the ones that work for you.
Ask a question. If you feel the anger starting to fester and that you are going to say something mean, ask a question, such as, “Is it possible to see things my way?” Remember to say it in as kind of a tone as possible or you will put him on the defensive and at that point, he will just stop listening.
Check your moods. As we mentioned earlier, check to see if either of you are hungry or tired, or in the middle of something stressful? Adults get moody for similar reasons that children do! If so, try fixing the cause (food, nap, etc.) and then come back.
Stay in the present moment. Resist the urge to bring up any past issues. Keep to the issue at hand. If you bring up past issues, you will set him on the defensive and he will stop listening. Afterall, who wants to sit and listen to someone bringing up all one’s past mistakes?
Take a break and come back later. If you feel you are going to act out of anger, it might be best to walk away (nicely) and then come back. Ask him if it is okay if you come back to discuss the issue when you are not as stressed. And then make sure you come back! This gives you time to calm down and organize your thoughts properly. It can be hard to know how we really feel while angry. Taking a break to regroup gives you time to go over what you are really thinking, and helps you prevent the anger from rising.
Make sure you listen! Everyone has their side to the story. You want him to listen to you, so make sure you work hard to listen to him. Asking a question shows that you are listening and wanting to understand him, and it gives him a chance to help you understand better, which in turn can help quelch the yelling. You can say something like, “So, what you are saying is…?” or “What I am hearing is…” As always, remember to say it in as kind of a tone as possible so he is not put on the defensive.
What if I am angry but not at those around me, and if I don’t check myself, I will snap at them too? Give others a heads up! Sometimes when you are angry or feeling off, try giving those around you a heads up that you are in a bad mood. When I am in a grumpy mood or wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I will gently let my family know I am grumpy. This helps them know not to let any angry sounding words bother them too much, and at the same time, I find that I am much more careful when I talk, for I don’t really want to yell at them! It’s a win-win situation for all. Just be careful you don’t find yourself resorting to this every day!
This week, write down 3 of your anger triggers and pay attention to them when they come up.
See you next time!
💖 Rivkah