Last time I gave you the homework to find your top 3 needs (if you had not already,) and then try to get only 1 of your top needs met. I know just working through your needs and wants to find your top 3 needs can be a hard thing to sit down and accomplish, but I hope that you were able to do it. And if you were, were you then able to go ahead and get one of those needs met? Even if you were not able to talk to your husband about your need, just going through and getting the list made is a huge accomplishment! At the right time it you will be able to do it.
Also, remember that if you were able to get the one need met but you did not feel any more fulfilled, it is just that what you thought was a need was really only a want, so cross it off your list and try the next one in line.
For now, don’t worry about getting your number 2 and number 3 needs met – you don’t want to bombard your husband! If things go well, feel free to add another every month or two.
When I was homeschooling, I had one beautiful boy who had a hard time sitting down to do math with me. He just hated it. I tried. I struggled. He struggled. It was not that he could not do it, he could do math just fine. Yes, it took a bit to get to where he “got it”, but he always “got it.”
One day, after many years, as I was trying hard to coax him to come and do math with me, it hit me. I was not being a teacher. When it came to teaching this one boy math, I was not teaching him in the way that he learns! I was teaching him the way I wanted to teach. (Duh, yes, it took me a long time to come to that realization.)
At that moment, I no longer saw a child who was difficult, but I saw me, as his teacher, needing to understand how he learns so I can teach him in a way he will understand. In an instant, I reframed my mind. I somehow coaxed him to come sit down and from that point on, I turned into a real teacher. I have to tell you, I had so much fun with him! I learned so many things. I learned to change directions mid-sentence and learned to come up with new games on the spot. I also learned to just sit and wait while he thought and bite my tongue, and when I did, I was rewarded and even got a glimpse of how his brain worked as he was figuring out the math questions out loud. I found it so fascinating how different we both were and how we each had our own preferences on how to solve the various problems. He stopped fighting me when it was math time, (though he still preferred not to do it!)
There is a movie called “James and the Giant Peach,” and at the beginning of the movie, James is with his parents, and they are looking at the clouds in the sky and seeing various pictures in them. In one cloud, his father asked if he could see the “tallest building in the world.” When he could not see it, his mother told him, “Try looking at it another way” and after he turned his head around, he saw it. He uses this thought process throughout his journey to get him and his friends through challenging circumstances.
Sometimes all it takes is to reframe our minds to be able to solve the issue at hand – whether at work, at play, or in our relationships.
I recently read some beautiful advice that someone’s grandmother gave her regarding her future husband:
She said, “when you get into an argument, remember it is not you vs him, it is you and him vs the problem.”
You might be yelling at each other, but it’s the both of you trying to figure out the issue. You are both on the same team! You really are on the same side. You are different people and can often see things vastly different, which often times causes misunderstandings. When you take a step back try to understand where the other person is coming from, it is easy for the arguing to just stop. Sometimes you will find that what you thought was the issue, is not the real issue. You are saying one thing, and he is responding to some vastly different statement that he thought you said and really, you are not understanding each other. You are looking through different colored glasses.
One evening, my husband called and asked me to have a few things ready for him for when he came home from work. He had just a few minutes and then he had a meeting with someone. I got everything ready for him as requested. However, traffic was heavy, and he came home later than expected, leaving just minutes to eat and get ready for his meeting. As he walked in the door, and walked right by me talking as he was then leaving the room, I thought he was yelling at me. For the life of me I could not figure out why. There was no reason to be upset, for he was not even in the room long enough to see what I had or had not laid out for him, and I felt hurt. And then it hit me. He was not yelling at me – for there was no reason to – he had not seen me more than 2 seconds. Oh. I got it. He was just flustered at the situation. All those times I thought he was yelling at me, and he told me he was not – no, he was not. He was flustered, but not at me. I then realized it was just how he gets when in a crunch. I finally got it. I still felt that little pang inside, but I knew that I needed to just let go and in a few minutes the pain would go away. And it did. And now, when he gets flustered, it still gets to me a little, but when I see it as it really is, I can usually manage just fine (unless it is me that is hungry or tired or frustrated!)
The next time things are not going so smoothly between you and your husband, I want you to try reframing your mind. Is there a way that you can see things from his point of view? What would make him react the way he did? Are you misunderstanding what the other is saying? Was work stressful? Is it around mealtime or bedtime so he might be hungry or tired? Or perhaps you are the one that is hungry or tired?
See you next time!
💖Rivkah