Last time we learned some appreciation methods to try to fill our constantly empty appreciation bucket (aka your oxygen.) Hopefully you found some of the methods worked for you, or perhaps you used them as a springboard to come up with other methods?
Don’t worry if things did not go quite as well as you were hoping. Remember, marriage is a journey and at times requires trial and error. Keep working on it and remember that even if you only get a little oxygen, it can go a long way. And as always, speak kindly and sweetly to your husband, use your own words and charm and remember to send up a little prayer beforehand.
One of the pillars of marriage is trust. Without it, the relationship, or any relationship for that matter, cannot continue and it falls apart. At its very essence, trust is the confidence we have in our husband’s intentions, actions, and words and the confidence he has in ours. It’s knowing that we can count on each other to be there, to hold each other’s heart with care, and to walk alongside with one another through both the happy times as well as the challenging times. Trust means feeling safe in your relationship—emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
Emotional trust is where we feel secure enough to share our deepest thoughts, fears, and dreams without worrying about facing any negative repercussion. Mental trust is being reliable, truthful, and keeping promises. It involves knowing that you both will engage and handle disagreements with care and understanding (at least try hard to,) creating a safe space for open and honest communication. Physical trust is where we feel physically protected and cherished with no fear of intentional physical harm. And spiritual trust is the deep confidence that your relationship is guided by a shared and higher purpose.
In other words, trust is the foundation that holds everything else in the marriage together. It’s what allows us to be vulnerable and open, knowing that we have each other’s back. Without trust, even the smallest misunderstandings can become major obstacles. Trust is not created overnight. Similar to love, it’s created through mostly countless small moments of consistency, honesty, and intentional care. When trust is present, it creates a strong bond that weathers storms and deepens the love.
Let us look at a few ways in which we can create trust. One way is just by being consistent in both your words and actions. When you know that you both do what you say you will do and your actions align with your values, it brings a deep sense of security to the relationship. One way of doing this is by keeping your promises, even the small ones. It’s easy to overlook the little commitments, but each time you follow through, it reinforces the trust you have in each other. Whether it’s showing up on time or following through on a small act of kindness, these moments add up and become the foundation of trust.
Next, just be open and honest. Even if this may seem obvious, it is very important to remember. When you are transparent, when you are very clear and open, with your thoughts, feelings, and intentions, it allows your husband to truly know you. Things are not always going to go the way you planned. You are meeting your husband for lunch, but there is unusual traffic. Give your husband a call to give him a heads up that you will be a bit late. He might still be a bit frustrated, but if you have the curtesy and respect to keep him informed of things out of your control, his frustration will not be towards you. However, if you are frequently finding there is unusual traffic at lunch time, it would be best to consider that the new normal and add in extra driving time.
Another key element is the ability to be vulnerable. This can be difficult for some people, especially if there is trauma past involved, however, it is a very important aspect. The ability of feeling safe enough to let down your guard, showing not just your strengths but also your fears and weaknesses. It’s a beautiful act of love to share your deepest thoughts, fears, and dreams with each other. This intimate sharing is what really brings two people together. But this openness can only grow when you trust that what you share will be held with care. In a healthy marriage, secrets are guarded, not gossiped about. Knowing that your husband will not betray your confidence creates a secure space where you can be you and share your innermost self. And this obviously goes both ways – make sure your husband is not the subject of your gossiping. He should know that his thoughts and feelings are safe and secure with you.
This is all good, but we all know that Life happens and gets in our way. I promised to meet my husband for lunch, but there was a huge accident on the way, and I was late. I really meant to take the clothes to the cleaners, but there was so much to do that it just left my mind. It’s not that I didn’t want to do it, it’s just that we are human, and as such, we make mistakes. The occasional slipups are usually weathered fairly well. It’s when it seems like there is always an “excuse” and excuses become the norm that it has a more lasting negative effect and starts to erode the marriage. If it is not stopped and addressed, it can lead to the breakdown of the marriage.
Maybe I have a marriage where I don’t fully trust my husband, or he doesn’t fully trust me. Is there anything that can be done to rebuild it? Thankfully, the answer is usually yes! Just note that it takes time and depends on how broken it is. If the pain runs deep, you both might need to find professional help to work on it.
Yes, trust goes both ways. I have to be able to trust my husband and he has to be able to trust me. Since we can only change ourselves, we are only going to focus on making sure that our husband is able to fully trust us. Hopefully, by working on ourselves, and making ourselves the best we can be, it will help our husband and the trust we have in him.
Now that I said we can repair the trust our husband has in us, how do we go about doing this? The first step in rebuilding trust is just acknowledging we broke it. Acknowledge we caused the hurt. When we acknowledge the impact of our actions, that is when we open the door to mending and healing. If we just Ignore or minimize the pain, we just deepen the wound. Only by facing it can we allow for mending.
The next step is to take responsibility and offer a sincere apology. A genuine apology goes beyond just saying “I’m sorry.” It involves truly understanding the depth of the hurt, expressing remorse, and showing a commitment to change. When your husband sees that you’re genuinely sorry and willing to make things right, it begins to restore the trust that was lost.
Again, rebuilding trust requires consistency and time. Words are important, but it’s the follow-through that truly matters. Small, everyday actions—being reliable, honest, and transparent, especially when things are not going right—are the bricks that rebuild the foundation. Trust doesn’t come back all at once; it’s earned gradually, as your husband sees that you’re committed to growth and change. Just because you do something right once, or even two or three times, does not mean that it is the new normal, and even when it is, it can take a while for the other person to realize that things have changed.
Don’t forget about forgiveness – for both of you. Forgive yourself for not realizing the damage you caused or did not know how to fix and forgive your husband for how he might have responded. For the one who’s been hurt, it’s natural to feel guarded or hesitant. Learn to let go. Forgiveness is a gift that releases both of you from the weight of the past. It doesn’t mean forgetting or ignoring what happened but choosing to move forward, opposed to staying in the past, with a heart open to healing.
Lastly, give yourselves the space and time needed for trust to regrow. Healing isn’t linear— it has its ups and downs. Sometimes you will succeed, and sometimes you will fall. It takes patience, understanding, and continued effort from both husband and wife. There is a Japanese art called Kintsugi, which means “golden joinery.” They take broken pottery and repair it by filling the cracks with gold, silver, or platinum. Rather than hiding the flaws, this technique highlights them, making the repaired object even more beautiful and valuable than before. Kintsugi is a metaphor for healing and resilience—just as the cracks in the pottery become a source of strength and beauty, trust in a relationship can become even stronger after it’s been restored with care and love.
Much of trust is formed in the little actions you do throughout the day, but what about Life? What can we do about Life getting in the way? How can we grow and keep our husband’s trust in such a busy world?
The answer – You put your husband first. Meaning, you are constantly thinking about how to show him you care for him (or on an even more basic level, how do you learn to care and eventually love your husband?) Show him that he matters to you. Serving him his supper first – before you or even the children – is not being subservient, it is showing him that he matters. When someone pours you some coffee or tea before themselves, don’t you feel like you mean something to them? When there are errands to do, do the ones for your husband first if it is not too much out of your way. Do something every day with him in mind because you care for him, you love him – even if he will never know! You will know you did it for him. To put it all in one word – Respect. When you practice putting your husband first, it makes it easier to remember to keep your word to him.
Think of growing the trust in your marriage as a journey. There will be times when trust feels effortless, and times when it requires intentional work. Life brings challenges—whether it’s changes, stress, or the busyness of daily life—but by making trust a priority, you create a strong foundation that helps you navigate those ups and downs together.
Take the time to create more trust in your relationship with your husband. You don’t have to work on anything big, success comes from taking baby steps. Look for the small things you can do. Maybe you can be more careful with your words to be more truthful, or to be more transparent. Perhaps finding one time each day where you can put your husband first – over time it will be easier to do, and it helps strengthen your ability to be a more trustworthy person. And lastly, don’t expect your husband to notice anything. Noticing change can take a long time but keep at it. With a little prayer and consistency, you will eventually see the fruits of your labor and so will he.
💖Rivkah