Last time we talked about noticing when you were independent. Was it a good form of independence (like choosing what food to make for dinner, or completing your tasks at work,) or was it the form of independence that will tell your husband that he is not needed? For example, did he offer to help but you told him no thank you? Were you able to find a time where you can show your husband he is needed – to accept his help even though you know you can do a better job or ask him in the sweetest voice if he minds coming over and helping you with something.
Where you able to see your different types independence? Where you able to find at least one time where you could accept your husband’s help? And how about the next question – did you remember to show your appreciation by saying “Thank you”?
Showing gratitude is one of those things that even if you forgot to do it in the moment, it is definitely something that can be done later. So, even if a few days have passed, the moment has not been lost. Don’t be afraid and go ahead and thank him for something he did, or something he said. It works even if you thanked him for it already. Even if he does not show it, you will really make his day! I am sure when someone thanks you for something it uplifts you and makes you feel just a little bit more special. Know that when you show your husband gratitude that it uplifts him and makes him feel special and important as well.
Now, marriage is not just one sided. It is not just about our husbands. A marriage is comprised of two people and so today we are going to take time and talk about the other person in the marriage. You.
We are going to discuss something us women are notoriously terrible at! Self-Care. And why does it matter anyways? Do I really need it? It sounds so egotistic, and anyways, I don’t have any time for it because I am busy with my children, my work, my home, my husband and everything else life throws at me. Yes, you are important, and that is precisely why you have to make sure you take time for yourself. You are so busy and harried and everything you do depletes you little by little. After some time, there will be no energy left and you will not be able to do what you need to do properly. It is like the battery in your phone. You unplug it in the morning and go about your day, making all sorts of calls, responding to emails, using the GPS to find your way to your doctor’s appointment. At some point your phone will die. Why? Because you have used all its battery, all of its energy. At some point you have to plug your phone in to recharge the battery so that you can use it again. The same for everyone. We wake up in the morning (and if we are lucky, we are partially charged,) and we squeeze out all the energy we have – plus some – to try to make it through the day. We might take a dose of caffeine in the afternoon on a particularly difficult day to try to squeeze any remaining energy from our bodies. We then go to sleep – which is supposed to recharge us – and if we are lucky, get enough sleep to partially recharge so we can try to make it through the rat race the next day.
What does this do to us? I know you know the answer already, however, I am going to say it anyways. We become depleted, irritable, cranky, angry, resentful. We feel that everyone needs us, but we don’t feel we are giving what we can, and maybe we are even resentful for having to help someone else out (and dare I say, especially our husband!)
What if I told you that it does not have to be that way? With a little bit of self-love, we can give ourselves a chance of being energized, happy, and excited to be doing what we need to do.
“But I don’t have time!” I hear you say. Make time. If something is important you will make it a priority. Making some time for you is a priority. Find the time. Once you start caring for yourself, you will likely find that other things will start to fall into place a little bit as well.
Firstly, make sure you are eating properly. Eating a donut for breakfast for there is nothing quick to grab is not eating food. It’s eating a treat. Eat a lot of vegetables – find the ones that you like and don’t be afraid to occasionally try a new one, you just might be surprised! Then add in your protein, fruits, carbohydrates and yes, the occasional treat.
If you see that your eating habits are needing an overhaul – start small. You can start by finding healthier snacks, and try 1 or 2 new recipes a week that are healthier. If you do a drastic overhaul, it will most likely backfire. Take small steps and give yourself time to incorporate each new thing before adding something different. Or, you might find that in general you are eating healthy, but it’s the preparation of the meals that are so stressful. Try to make a meal plan on the weekend for the coming week. (A little hint – do this BEFORE you go shopping for the week. Yup, been there a few times!) If you know what you are going to make, it makes it easy to shop and when it is time to prepare the meal, you don’t have to think about it – just look at your list! And don’t forget to drink lots of water – herbal teas, unsweetened seltzer, water with lemon slices or other infused waters are also a great way to stay hydrated.
Getting the right nutrients is the first step to feeling your best. It can take a couple of months to see the full results once you start getting the nutrients you need. And, eating the right food and drinking plenty of water can help with weight loss which is another bonus! Check with your doctor to see if taking any vitamins or supplements will be helpful as well.
I am sure you can guess the next step to self-care: Exercise. It does not matter what you do, just move! Even taking a 30 minute walk each day counts. Be diligent. Come up with days and times that are good for you and keep to it. Don’t skip your exercise time unless you are sick or something else comes up that is out of your control. Even if you are unable to do what you usually do, try to find another time to schedule a little exercise, even if it is something different. Set an alarm on your phone 30 minutes before your scheduled time to remind you. Many people find it really helps to exercise with a friend. You both will work together to make each other accountable. And it’s more fun with a friend. Oh, and if you are lucky, you might be able to find something that your husband enjoys as well and then, voila! Bonus points for both exercising and having a date at the same time! 😊 As with food changes, start small. Start with something that is attainable. If realistically you can only fit in two 20-minute exercise times a week, start with that. Add in the occasional walk and when you have made your routine a habit, you can add in another day or two. Again, make sure you talk to your doctor regarding any exercise changes.
The third part of self-care is to take some time for you. One person I knew told me once that she was known to hide away in the bathroom with some ice cream, trying to ignore the calls and little fingers poking in from under the door just to get her alone time! The ice cream was probably not quite the best thing, but I have snitched a spoonful or two of ice cream sometimes when my boys drove me up the walls!
I am not going to say that life can be busy, because life is just busy. Whether you are taking care of children at home, busy trying to meet schedules at work, or anything in between. Everything and everyone seem to be vying for your attention. You are kept busy every day, when do you have time to rest? Or, perhaps you can’t rest for others need you. Children, work, friends, your husband. You feel guilty taking just a little bit of time for yourself. What will end up happening is that you become like your phone when there is no more juice left in the battery. You cannot function. Stress, anxiety, frustration, crabbiness, lashing out, anger – these are all things that build up and then can burst forth. You are so busy helping others, don’t forget you need to help yourself as well.
A mother hides away in her bedroom to rest. Her children are searching everywhere for her and finally find her. They stand outside her bedroom door ask her why she is in there. The mother responds, “I am making you a mother!”
This mother knows that she needs to take time for her to rest and reenergize herself so that she has energy to help others. What kinds of things help you relax? Do you like to take a nap or go out for a walk all by yourself? Perhaps it is sitting in a quiet room listening to some music, maybe doing a hobby, going out for a drive, or having coffee with a friend? Talk to your husband. Let him know you need time to recharge so you can come back more energized and be a better wife/mother/friend. Enlist the help of your husband or older children to hold the fort so that you can get a few minutes to yourself to recharge, or perhaps you can hire a babysitter once a week for a few hours.
Food, exercise and time to recharge are the three components to self-care. By taking care of you, you will be able to continue to take care of others like you need to.
And now, the homework for this week is to do at least one thing of self-care for yourself. Let go. Don’t feel guilty. You are just as important as everybody else you are helping. Notice how you feel afterwards. Do you have any pangs of guilt? Do you feel any better? Depending on how depleted you are to begin with, you might need a few sessions of self-care to notice a difference.
I hope you will enjoy doing the homework! See you next time.