I am so excited to announce that the journal is available in book form on Amazon! The link is posted on the main page. You can still download the PDF for free if you choose. Just one thing to remember – all of this information is for you. This is not something to be sharing with your husband. This is so that you can work on things at your own pace. If your husband knows what your homework is, he will be expecting perfection from you right from the start! You need to have the breathing space to work (and fail!) at your pace.
Last week’s homework was to either continue with the daily 1-minute bonding time and/or small appreciation notes, or, if you were lucky enough, to schedule (and hopefully even have) a date with your husband.
I mentioned that you can use your imagination and turn anything into a date. A drive to the grocery store, a walk to the mailbox, and any other errand the two of you might do. Remember, you can turn anything into a date even after the fact. If you and your husband went on an errand, and you only remembered afterwards that it could have been turned into a date, all you have to do is put the biggest smile on your face and in the kindest, sweetest voice you have thank him for the date you had while on that errand. He will most likely look at you strange and may even mention that going on an errand was not a date, stand your ground, keep smiling and repeat that you appreciated the date you had with him. It will definitely turn things around, especially the next time you thank him!
Hopefully you are seeing some wonderful results, and even if you are not seeing them, you are planting seeds. Keep it up and very soon you should see something amazing happening.
In a previous episode, we talked about the innate desire a wife has in wanting to be cherished by her husband. Some of you will be nodding your heads for you definitely agree, however there are others who are not. I am doing just fine, thank you very much you say.
To really start to have an understanding of this, as with everything in our lives, if we look towards our Creator, we will be able to find our answers. G-d created us in a most amazing way. Afterall, He knows us better than even we know ourselves! He is the one that created us!
If we look in Genesis 2:24 it says, “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife…” Here, we see that a husband’s desire is his wife.
And after Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Life, it says in Genesis 3:16 “And to the woman He said…and your craving shall be for your husband…” Our craving, our desire, our yearning, shall be for our husband. The text is very clear.
Our husband wants to be with us, and we crave the attention of our husband. In other words, women want to be cherished… and our husband want to cherish us.
Your husband deeply desires to be with you. That is how he was created. If your marriage is a bit rocky, it may not be noticeable right now. It could be that years of pain and dejection have covered it up, but it is there. One of the things that gives him strength is to see you smile and hear you laugh. It is a need that he has. When you are happy, one of your husband’s deep needs is met and he has energy to give you more and help you with your needs.
Being cherished is one of our deep needs. We want the attention and affection from our husband. We long to be cherished for who we are — our strengths, our vulnerabilities, our dreams, and even our imperfections. When we get this deep need of ours met, it fills us with satisfaction, contentment, and happiness. It gives us the self-esteem we need and can take it into the other facets of our lives such as helping others, feeling more confident at work and in every other area.
We all have needs, and we will learn to find out what our tops needs are (and each one of us has different needs,) and you will find that when just a few of your top needs are met, you will be much more content and much happier. The same is true for your husband.
We long to be cherished as much as our husband longs to cherish us.
So, if our husband really wants to cherish us, how come he isn’t? What happened? Why did he stop cherishing us?
In order to receive something, we have to have a container to put it in. If I would like some tea or coffee, I need a cup to hold it. When our husband wants to cherish us, we need to have a vessel to hold his love. If, after repeated attempts, our husband does not find a vessel in us to hold the love he wants to give us, he will usually give up trying.
So, what causes us to block his efforts? What caused us to reject the cherishing our husband wants to show us? There can be various answers, however, a big issue comes with what our society is telling us. We, as women, need to be independent. We need to go out into the workforce, and we need to be assertive.
Now, yes, we need to have some level of independence. I can’t (and don’t want to) rely on my husband for absolutely everything. I really can pick out my own clothes, get dressed myself, choose what to make for supper and decide what decorations I would like to have on the living room walls. I can (and often do) ask for his opinions on various things, but ultimately, I am fully capable of making my own decisions and following through with them. And never mind the fact that relying on my husband for everything will just burn him out. He has enough stuff to deal with already!
The same goes with work. Aside from my husband’s regular job, we have a business that we work on together. There are areas that I take most of the responsibility for, and there are areas that he usually takes charge of, but sometimes I see a situation where I need to step in and make the decision for him. He not only does not mind but is very appreciative when I do. He needs to have a handle on what is going on to make things work, however, sometimes the right decision is hard to see, and it is good to have someone step in and state the path to take so things can move forward. So, being assertive can be an asset if used correctly. I always make sure to talk in a very nice, respectful way when I do step in! I do not want him to feel I am taking over because he is incompetent, we just all need a bit of help sometimes and I make sure he knows I am doing it because I care and I want to help him, not compete with him.
Independence and assertiveness have goodness in them. If I go to work, I need to be able to hold myself and sometimes I need to stand my ground when needed. But I have to be careful when I come home. My husband is not my employee, nor is he my boss. He is my other half, my partner in crime, and is supposed to be the love of my life. If I get too independent to the point that he feels I don’t need him, or if I am too assertive that he feels his opinions don’t matter, he will close up. He will feel that I do not need him, and he will stop trying to cherish me for there is no vessel to put it in.
What we need to do is make sure there is a vessel for our husband. We need to be independent, but not too independent. Let your husband know he is needed. I am the shortest in our house, and that does have its advantages. But if I cannot reach something in the kitchen, and my husband is around, I will sometimes ask for his help and put on a nice smile, and in the sweetest tone ask if he minds coming over to help me reach something from the top shelf. It is not anything big, and I only ask for his help sometimes, but it does make him feel that he is needed.
Now here is the homework for this week: Notice when you are independent. Is it a good form of independence such as choosing what food to make for dinner, or completing your tasks at work, or is it the form of independence that will tell your husband that he is not needed? For example, does he offer to help but you tell him no thank you? Try to find a time where you can show your husband he is needed – accept his help even though you know you can do a better job or ask him in the sweetest voice if he minds coming over and helping you with something.
See you next time!