The last homework was to find a way to spend just 1 minute a day (60 seconds!) with your husband to take the time to say hi and to reconnect and let him know that despite the busy schedules you both have, he means the world to you. Or, if that was not going to work out, to write a little appreciation/thank you/love note to him every day.
How did that work out? Where you able to make one of those happen at least a few times this week? Do not get upset at yourself if it did not go as planned. If you forgot, then take the time to try again. You can set an alarm for yourself on your phone to help you remember – just make sure it is at a time that is most likely a good time! You can write several appreciation notes ahead of time and then you just have to dish them out each day. Get creative, find what works for you.
If you were able to get that 1 minute time with your husband, how did that go? Did it seem to make him happy? Or perhaps he was unsure of what to make of the whole thing? Did he think you were trying to butter him up about something? If he seemed to like it, then keep going, it is obviously doing something good! If he is one that seems unsure of what you are doing, don’t worry, keep with it. Depending on what kind of relationship the two of you have, it might take some time for him to realize that you really just want to reconnect. Keep trying it out for another 3 or 4 weeks and then check back in. If your relationship is not so smooth to start with, it will take time to change things around.
Change is not easy, and even when you change, it can take a while for your husband to realize you have changed. And even then, he might need you to gently show him that you have changed. There is nothing wrong with him and there is nothing wrong with you. If the two of you have not spent any connecting time together in a long time, if you spend a minute here and a minute there with him, it may not compute. The well is so dry that even if there are a few drops of rain, the well still appears dry. There needs to be a lot of rain for it to show that the well is no longer dry. The same for our marriage. If your well is dry, you need to spend many 1 minute times to begin to fill it. But don’t get dejected! You CAN fill the well up. You CAN reconnect with your husband; it will just take time. Even if you do not see it now, every minute you spend connecting to your husband is adding water to your well. At some point you will notice the water there. You need to have patience and perseverance.
Connecting with our husband does not stop here. The 1 minute check ins and little notes are a great start and something that should continue, however, there is only so much one can put into 60 seconds or on a small piece of paper. Real connecting happens when the two of you go on dates. Just because you got married, does not mean the dates should stop. In fact, it is BECAUSE you got married that the dates should continue. And no, a date does not mean you have to go out to eat.
A date is an amount of time that you and your husband spend together, just the two of you. It is a time away from distractions – whether it be children, phones, computer, work, etc. It is a time for the two of you to just talk to each other and enjoy each other’s company. It is NOT a time to talk about issues of any sort. Those discussions are also needed, but they are not dates. This is a time to catch up on how each other is doing, a time to talk about goals and hobbies and dreams. It should be a happy experience. When you decide to go on a date, where and for how long is for, is for the two of you to decide, and again, be creative! Dates can take on many forms!
I remember when we bought the home we are currently living in. We did a lot of the renovations ourselves, and as such, would make many, many trips to Home Depot. My husband was working during the day, and since I homeschooled, it was our four boys and myself doing a lot of the work during the day. On one particular day, I had made at least 4 trips to Home Depot and needed to go out yet again. I was a bit tired, to say the least, when my husband came home. I asked if he would come to Home Depot with me, frankly because I just did not want to drive anymore! As we left the driveway and started on our 1.1 mile trip, I sat there in the passenger seat, and for some unknown reason, said, “Thank you for the date.” He looked at me very strange and said, “We are just going to the hardware store…” and to that I responded, “Yes, I know. Thank you for the date.” I will tell you that that trip to the hardware store was very different. Knowing we were now on a date to the hardware store made the experience unique. Did we do anything different than we would have done? No. We still went and picked up the item I needed and went home. Somehow just calling it a date reframed both of our minds and turned the trip from one of dread to one of happiness. We both felt it.
Since then, we have a habit of regularly turning many things we do into “dates”. A drive to the grocery store, or some other errand. Even just a walk out to the mailbox is often turned into a date. Though I will tell you that the dates we prefer not to have are the ones to the hospital. When my husband was in the hospital once, I told him that of course I will go on a date with him there, though I definitely prefer other venues.
The great part of these kinds of dates is that it is doing something we are already doing and we do not have to try to carve out extra time. We get 2 for the price of 1! Not only do we get the errand done (or whatever we are doing done,) we are spending together doing it. By reframing our mind, it opens up the feelings of love for the other person and can get some wonderful connecting time in. It never fails to put a smile on both of our faces.
And who can resist not going on a date when our husband asks us? Recently my husband was going outside to the mailbox and he looked at me and asked if I wanted to go on a date to the mailbox with him. Honestly, if he had just asked if I wanted to go out there with him, I would have politely declined, but when he worded it as a date, I felt I could not resist and happily went out.
And we always remember to thank each other for the date afterwards!
Now, don’t get me wrong, it is always nice to go on a traditional date – whether to a restaurant, a nice drive, a walk in a park or even a mall (great when it is too hot – or too cold – to want to be outside!) I am just pointing out there are many other ways to be together and to connect. You just have to be creative. Yes, I know I have said that before, but really, that is what it is all about. We are all different, our husbands are all different and we each have a unique relationship with our husband. What works for one couple may not work for another, or it might work but need a bit of a twist. Also, what used to work with you and your husband in the past, may not work so well now for various reasons.
I am sure that by now you can guess what this week’s homework is going to be. Try to schedule one date with your husband. It can be a traditional date, or an errand that you turn into a date. Though It extremely important to remember the following:
- This is a time to connect, not disconnect (ie not a discussion time about issues where disagreements might occur.)
- This is a time for just you and your husband. No children, no work, no phones, etc.
- This is a happy time. Use it as a time to compliment your husband, thank your husband for various things he does, etc.
- And always remember to thank him for the date!
If, for whatever reason, a date night is not doable, continue with the daily 1 minute bonding time and/or small appreciation notes.
Wishing you all the best and see you next time!