Last week’s homework was to just watch and observe: Did you see times where you were either giving mixed signals to each other or find that you both seemed to be talking different languages? The first step in being able to change anything is to notice when things are going off. Learning how to watch the arguments unfold can be a valuable learning experience.
What we first need to realize is that the other person’s behavior is often not intended to be mean; instead, arguments often stem from a mere misunderstanding of what the other person is trying to say. Just as in the story I shared last time about my martial arts class when my instructors told me over and over not to push the board, I am sure they were wondering why I kept using the wrong part of my foot and continue to push the board when they kept telling me how to correct it. I was also frustrated and wondered how I could stop pushing the board and kick through when I could not kick any faster or harder. It was only when I realized the breakdown in the communication came when I did not understand the meaning of the phrase “don’t push the board,” did I then realize what they really meant which was, “you are using the wrong part of your foot,” and thereby was able to solve my issue. By becoming aware of when things start to go off track, you gain the opportunity to address the underlying problems and work towards better understanding and connection. By paying attention to how conflicts arise and escalate, you can identify the specific issues that need to be addressed.
It is important to approach these moments with a non-judgmental mindset and a genuine willingness to comprehend each other’s perspectives. Instead of perceiving them as confrontations or blame games, consider them as opportunities for growth and improvement within your relationship. When things do not go as planned or when mistakes occur, it is essential to remember that no one is perfect. We are all human beings and are in this world to grow. Taking a step back, examining the situation objectively rather than subjectively, can be very helpful.
I know, it is difficult to step outside the situation and view it from above sometimes, especially when you are in the middle of an argument! However, there are two words which will really help -“That’s interesting.” For instance, you can say (to yourself only!) “That’s interesting that when I used that word, he interpreted it in a very different way,” or “It’s interesting to see that I reacted negatively because I was hungry/tired/stressed/etc…” or “He was so preoccupied with other matters that he only heard part of what was said, that’s interesting.” Try it out for yourself!
When we can step back, we can easily shift stressful moments into a mindset where we are not as angry and frustrated, but rather open and understanding. Just doing that one thing calms the situation. When you are in a calm state, it becomes much easier to identify the areas where communication diverged and determine how to rectify them, thereby reducing or even eliminating conflicts.
We know that we are quick to excuse our own behaviors – I snapped for I was stressed out or hungry – being objective will help us understand our husband also gets stressed, tired, and hungry and knowing this will help cultivate more empathy and understanding for him. Afterall, I know I make mistakes because I am just human, and guess what? He deserves my empathy and understanding for he is human as well.
Next, we are going to talk a little about different kinds of marriages. I am sure you can guess there are two main categories – marriages that are good or at least okay, and ones that are not. While my goal is to have a little something for everyone in each segment no matter where you are in your marriage, we are going take a deeper look at marriages that appear, at least on the outside, to look good. Even if you feel your marriage is not quite there yet, I believe there is still information you can take away with you.
I have split this group into three different kinds of relationships which I am going to call A River, A Kettle and Fire, and A Bird. (And yes, for some of you this should remind you of a book!)
For the River relationship, imagine are 2 homes, one on each side of a river. The people on either side of the river are cordial with the people on the other side of the river but keep mostly to themselves. While connected by the river that they both rely upon, their interactions are minimal. This is the relationship of two people who happen to be living with each other, are on peaceful terms, but do not have much interaction with each other.
In the River marriage, husband and wife reside side by side, sharing physical space, yet often leading separate lives, very similar to two roommates renting a house together. They may be pleasant in their communication, but their interactions rarely extend beyond superficial exchanges.
As such, they tend to have separate social circles, hobbies, and priorities that consume their time and attention. As a result, their relationship remains cordial, but they do not have the emotional connection needed to form a deeper and more meaningful bond.
It is important to recognize that the River relationship, while it seems very harmonious on the surface, lacks the richness and depth that comes with true connection. By nurturing a deeper connection, you both have the potential for remarkable growth and joy.
For those who find themselves in a River marriage, by taking steps and initiating conversations, finding shared activities, or fostering a sense of curiosity about each other’s lives, one can transform the relationship from one of mere coexistence to one of genuine connection and greater fulfillment.
The next marriage is the Kettle and the Fire. In this relationship you have two forces, namely the Kettle and the Fire which come together for a common purpose; to heat water. This is the kind of relationship where a husband and wife come together for a common goal – for example, to raise children – however, they do not have much interaction with each other outside working on that goal.
While the Kettle and Fire marriage bring about more meaningful conversations compared to the River marriage, the majority of their interactions revolve around their shared objective as in raising children. However, it is easily seen that because their conversations are predominantly centered around their one purpose, it is the goal that holds their relationship together.
When they realize that their bond was primarily centered around a shared goal, the husband and wife may realize there is now little to hold them together. Even though they spent many years in each other’s company, their focus and efforts were primarily directed towards the achievement of a specific objective, rather than building a deep and lasting connection between themselves. Consequently, when that shared goal is accomplished, a sense of emptiness can settle in. This is a big reason why you find large divorce rates, God forbid, in couples who came together only for a common goal.
What initially brought them together faded over time, leaving them yearning for deeper fulfillment. As time passed, they have grown and followed different paths, with their own unique hobbies, desires, and challenges. By neglecting to nurture their relationship beyond their goal, they missed out on the opportunity to truly grow with the other person.
However, all is not lost. To change things around, the answer is the same as with the River marriage. You can start now to create that close bond with your husband. Go on dates, find time to sit down and talk to each other, not about issues that are occurring in your lives, but about yourselves, each of you sharing your goals and aspirations. Get to know each other all over again.
So, what does the Bird marriage look like? The Bird has two talents, two gifts – it can walk, and it can fly. Just as both talents are on one bird, this kind of relationship encompasses the beauty of two individuals who embrace their unique gifts while working together as one. The legs are not jealous of the wings and the wings are not jealous of the legs. They know that if they work together as one, each utilizing their individual talents, they can accomplish amazing things.
In the Bird relationship, there is a deep sense of mutual respect, support, and understanding. The legs and wings of the bird act in unison, aligning their intentions, allowing the bird to accomplish remarkable feats of exploration, flight, and navigation. Couples in this relationship know that marriage is not just about living peacefully with another person, and it is not just about coming together to complete a goal, but it is coming together to become one. It is important to note that the legs and the wings of the Bird never combine into one, they remain separate. Becoming one does not mean losing one’s own identity, on the contrary, it means for my husband and I to remain unique but bring our talents into our relationship and synchronize our movements seamlessly.
With this kind of relationship, we can embark on incredible journeys together, overcome obstacles, and reach new heights. 1 plus 1 does not equal 2. It equals so much more. We appreciate and value the unique contributions each of us brings to the relationship.
We accomplish this by working together, not only through common goals, but by sharing personal time together, by having some common interests and hobbies, talking to each other, and regularly going on dates. We encourage each other’s personal time to nurture and grow our individual passions, continuously learning and growing. Carving out time to spend together to bond is essential, for after the common goals are met, you will find there is still something to hold the both of you together. You grow together. You have a sense of fulfillment for you know that accomplishing goals is not the goal, it is not the end, it is only part of the journey in your marriage.
I know some of you are saying that you are not even at the River marriage, let alone the Bird marriage! That is okay. You are perfect just where you are. Remember that God is here for you and will help you when you put forth effort into this very special relationship. After all, He is the one that created both you and your husband and He really wants to see you succeed.
This week’s homework is to make one connection with your husband. Go on a date, go for a walk, sit down for 10 minutes away from any children or phones (yes, including yours!). Be creative! Think outside the box. Find out something new about him that you did not know before – what new hobby is he interested in trying, what is one goal that he has? Once you have made that one connection, write it down in your journal. Wishing you much much success. 💖