Last week’s homework was to work on not interrupting your husband when he is talking to you or other people. How did that go? For those of you with children, especially younger ones, were you strong enough to resist the temptation to shift your focus to them? I understand they have needs and require your attention. One child dropped their food on the floor, and another two were kibbitzing with each other. They needed you. And it’s true, they do need you, but they also need something else—to be shown how to give respect. You will be surprised at how quickly they grasp it.
When my youngest was about 5, he would always sit next to me at the table. He always had “needs.” One day, my husband enlightened me and told me he could not do it. He could not talk to me and have me interrupt him by dealing with our child for just 2 seconds and then turn back towards him and expect him to remember what he was saying. He was frustrated because he could not express his thoughts fully. There was nothing wrong with him; it was me. Once I realized that instead of questioning why he was not able hold his thoughts for 2 seconds (after all, it is so easy to do, right?), and I accepted that this is how God created him, I started working on giving him 99.5% of my attention (I just could not give it my all, and still cannot — my eyes look out for everyone else around me!).
When I focused on not interrupting, two amazing things happened. My son actually stopped interrupting me when I was listening to someone else without me having to say much. All I did was either not respond to him at that moment, or I would turn and say quietly that Daddy is talking right now. That was it! Children pick things up very quickly.
Not only that, after a short while, other issues in our marriage that had been bothering me just disappeared. When I thought about it, I realized those other things were the unconscious message my husband was sending me — that he had an unfulfilled need. He needed to feel like he mattered, that there was one person who thought he was important. He is very humble and does not like public acknowledgment, but he needed my acknowledgement, and one way I can show him that he matters is by not interrupting him. When his need was met, he no longer felt the need to do those other things that bothered me. It is surprising how such a small thing can make such a huge difference, although I must admit it is not always easy to do — I am well aware of how challenging it can be. I have bitten my tongue more than once, a little too hard, and yes, I still occasionally stumble!
But what about those times when your children really do need your attention? Yes, sometimes they do need us immediately, and that is why I cannot give my husband my 100% attention. My maternal instinct is to be alert. I will politely inform my husband that I need to attend to the matter and assure him that I will be right back. I ask him to please hold his thoughts. When I return, I profusely apologize for interrupting him. I always use the sweetest words I can use in the sweetest tone, and I try to keep those moments as few as possible.
To continue the discussion from last week, we are aware that each of us is different from one another. We are all unique. We possess unique talents and face various challenges, we come from different family backgrounds and experiences. However, we have learned that despite these unique differences, women, in general, share certain traits with each other, and men, in general, share certain traits with each other.
One significant area where we differ is in our communication styles. Imagine this scenario: A husband enters a room, and with the look the wife gives him, she looks like she is going to bite his head off. He sees something is wrong and approaches her, asking, “What is wrong, Deary?” She glances at him and mutters, “Nothing.” In response, the husband then says, “Ok, then come and help me pay the bills,” before walking away. What is the wife thinking now? “Why does he ignore the fact that I am upset? He just walks away!” Does this sound familiar?
Consider another scenario: Your friend walks in and notices you are visibly upset. She asks you what is wrong, and you reply, “Nothing.” How does your friend react? She says, “Yeah, right – sit down and tell me what is going on.” Your friend sits with you for as long as you need.
Are you beginning to notice something here, aside from the fact that your friends seem to understand you better than your husband?
Let us revisit the first case: The husband observes that his wife is unhappy and genuinely wants to know why. So far, so good, right? However, how does the wife respond? “Nothing.” The husband hears from her that nothing is wrong. He is does not understand why she appears angry, but since she said nothing is wrong, he moves on. Meanwhile, we all know what the wife is thinking. Now, let’s step back and look at the bigger picture.
Firstly, we must give the husband credit for recognizing his wife’s unhappiness and for inquiring about it. However, the wife’s response is confusing, leaving the husband unsure of how to proceed. His dilemma is whether to rely on the words she utters or how she looks. He doesn’t comprehend why she looks upset, but since she stated that nothing is wrong, he assumes there is no issue and returns to his tasks.
On the other hand, the friend notices something is wrong, asks for an explanation, and when confronted with conflicting words, she disregards them, thinking, “But she LOOKS upset, so she must be upset.”
Are you now beginning to see what is happening? A man’s tendency (or rather the the male character trait) is to understand and make decisions based on the words said, on what is heard. On the other hand, a woman’s tendency (or rather the female character trait) is to understand and make decisions based on what is observed visually, emotionally, and psychologically. If we reflect on this, it explains why men often excel in areas that are more straightforward, more black and white, such as chemistry, physics, and engineering, while women tend to thrive in roles like primary caregivers for children or elementary school teachers—professions that require an understanding of a person’s psyche and the ability to comprehend their behavior.
Therefore, we are not being fair at all to our husband when we give him mixed signals. Just as I would not speak Greek to someone who only knows German, I need to learn the language that my husband speaks. If I am upset, especially if he notices and asks about it, I need to talk to him. I need to use my words. It might be that I am not ready to discuss things in that moment, but I shouldn’t confuse him with mixed signals for that is just setting him up for failure. Instead, I can simply tell him that I’m not ready to talk at the moment and that I will let him know when I am.
In other words, the issue often lies in the breakdown of communication between us and our husband. The wires get crossed, so to speak. Have you ever noticed that sometimes you and your husband can argue about something, only to realize later that you were both talking about different things or that one or both of you misunderstood something the other said?
Let me share a personal example. Recently, I was testing for my black belt in taekwondo, and one of the requirements was to have two board breaks. I was struggling with one of the breaks. I had three attempts, and if I failed to break it, I would not pass. A week before testing, during practice, I attempted three times to break the board but failed. I started feeling nervous. The feedback everyone kept telling me was, “You’re pushing the board, don’t push the board.” I understood that I should not push the board, so I attempted to kick faster and with more force. However, there was a limit to how much force and speed I could generate, and I just was not able to figure it out. It was only when I missed the board break, even after three attempts, that I sat down and finally realized what everyone was trying to tell me—I was using the wrong part of my foot! I knew I was supposed to use my heel, but I was unintentionally using the ball of my foot, and yeah, that would push the board instead of breaking it. At that point, everything clicked, and I knew exactly what I was doing wrong and how to fix it. Four days later, back in class, for the first time I broke the board on my first attempt! I was all set! I was able to go into testing confident, and yes, I broke the board during testing – on my first try.
If I can have such misunderstandings with my instructors and fellow students, it is even more likely that I would experience similar misunderstandings with my husband. I do not know why they chose the phrase “you’re pushing the board” instead of “pull your toes back, kick with your heel,” but at least I now understand what it means, and that’s all that matters. We need to keep this in mind when communicating with our husband. Just because I understand what I mean and use words that make sense to me does not mean he will interpret them in the same way. This is normal. This is okay. There is nothing wrong with that; we just need to learn his language a little better. We need to learn which words to use to ensure he understands our intentions.
I understand that we’ve focused on his needs so far, but do not worry, we will soon address your needs for they are equally important. When we provide even a small amount of help to our husbands and support them in fulfilling their needs, we will find that they will have the energy and willingness to help us fill our needs too.
Your homework for this week is to observe and pay attention. Do you notice any instances where you and your husband seem to be sending each other mixed signals or speaking different languages?
If you have not done it yet, remember to download the Toolbox Journal to help you.